Within This Dream, I took a short nap...
And it was You I sweetly dreamt of.
Luscious it was to meet you
At that point in the space-time continuum
Wonder and awe at all that you are
Regardless of how it's continuing
Except dignity lost in favour of lust
No remorse felt for my path you trampled
Call for an ending before a start
Empty and sorry and severely scrambled
It's been said that every poet needs one unrequited love. Well, here was one that required yours. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole. Ill-fated - this imperfect match. In the trying I forgot I was already whole.
Only the one who holds your heart is the one who can ultimately break it. But you never held it. You never offered. I know why, I choose to deny.
Invader of my head space, reason for this tortured state, it was your name I uttered over and over and over again as I willed myself to sleep. Deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. Further and further I fell...into a well of dreaded hopelessness.
It was your presence I prayed for but all I'm now left with is an unclaimed present I once gave to you. It sits by my bed - a cherished illusion instead.
A fantasy entertained, a union lived out...
in nothing but a parallel universe.
Somewhat unhealthy, pathetic, perverse.
An alternate reality never reversed.
Never bringing to life the lines I rehearsed.
Flicking through your album of snapshots taken,
No frame for me - my image forsaken.
Just a cameo role...a walk-on part.
You're the star who broke an extra's heart.
Will you ever know the depths of the hurt I seek to hide?
Will you ever find your way to these words concealed inside?
- a peripheral character's journal online...
Thorough thoughts of an afterthought,
Would you even bother to find?
- these fallen tears in cyberspace,
from an all-too-real and human face?
As the perfect summer fades,
I recall those splendid days.
Stolen seconds of too few,
those daydreams spent with you.
As real as an illusion,
A certainty in my confusion,
A fleeting smile I knew,
Was it ever really true?
No feedback ever on a heart exposed,
Did you ever even look at what my soul composed?
Was I just an anecdote to be shared amongst your friends?
Was I just an antidote to a temporary loneliness?
Emotions swirled, and taken in,
to show me something I have yet to own.
Fallen for, and tricked within...
by magic mirrors inside my home.
I write all this so I can heal.
To open up the scars I feel.
Words of comfort, words of help...
To the sleeping beauty inside myself.
I know I manifested you in order to understand the difference between Love Unconditional, and one so selfish. One like heaven - the other quite hellish. Bordering on lies, and a truth embellished. There is no beginning when there is no finish.
I take a bow...I take my cue,
Turning away, I am from you.
No applause or pregnant pause,
To see what next I'm going to do...
A quiet exit.
A longing lost,
...so never sent.
This minor fantasy never taken,
From this dream I now awaken.
(Written : by Your Para//el Self - Feb. 20/21, 2006)
Epilogue - The song currently on Replay in my mind & on my discman:
"Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
one forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
your hand pulling away and I'm devastated
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
so unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
so ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
the moment I decide not to abandon me."
~ Alanis Morissette : 2002